The Answer to All the World's Problems (Sort of)

I never wonder why it is we haven't yet found the cure for cancer, or established a permanent colony on the moon, or proved the theory of relativity.

It isn't that as a species we're incapable of doing so. The brilliant minds who can find the answers are out there. The trouble is, they're all working in the cosmetics industry.

Oh yes indeed. There have been more revolutions in the science of beauty in the last 10 years than there have been developments in the study of HIV and AIDS. (Ok, I don't know that I can safely make that claim, but it seems to me that there has been. The only thing we seem to know about the spread of HIV is how to spread awareness campaigns, or to make money off of it's humanitarian potential. Thank you GAP Inc.)

But back to the original point. Makeup is scarily technologically advanced these days. We've got a chemical for anything. As Too Faced Cosmetics creator Jerrod Blandino puts it, "Effects that were only only possible with good genes or a great plastic surgeon will now be available in the mall". Crazy and true.

I can't claim to be opposed to it though. I quite willingly pay too much money for chemicals to smear on my lips to make them look bigger. They used to burn and sting, but I've used them so much I can't even feel it anymore. That's kinda scary. And if I ever get a free gift when I buy makeup at Sears, it's invariably anti-wrinkle cream. At 20 years old, I know I don't have any wrinkles. But the prospect that I might soon drives me to use to abuse. I mean, check out this stuff. I got a tube of it for free (I'm not quite crazy enough to buy it), and now it's being used to combat the very natural lines under my eyes. I know, I'm crazy.

But, I'm not as crazy as to buy the rest of this stuff. Number one, for the makeup impaired, Stila Smoky Eye Palette includes an audio recording in the palette case to talk you through each step of applying the eyeshadow in the correct way. I forsee this being the future of makeup. But honestly, how many times will you need to hear it until you can recite it word-for-word?

Next is the at-home airbrush tan. Airbrush tans are the latest thing not to hit St. John's (as if I care, because I look more skin-disease than California Girl with a tan). It sounds like what it is. A technician-type person sprays you down with fake tanner, and you look all tanned minus skin cancer. Also, the spray liquid can be used to give you the illusion of defined muscles if you have a deft touch. The trouble is, most people probably don't. I forsee a lot of silly-looking fake tan splotches.


And then there's all the anti-wrinkle serums, with the med school literature to advertise them. Chief among the brands is Cosmedicine. This stuff could make your grandma look 30 again, even if she's dead. (Ok, bad joke.) However, some of these creams are so loaded with chemicals, they claim to be able to reduce facial asymmetry. Others will give you at-home microdermabrasion or chemical peels, a fairly risky prodcedure even when done by a professional, unless you like excessive redness, broken blood vessels or flaky dry patches on your face. No thank you.

Moving on, if you have ever desired thicker, longer and more radiant hair (and then wished for it to fall out in clumps immediately after) look no further than our "mane" man Frederic Fekkai (oh dear, another bad joke). His new line of hair goops inhibits the production of DHT, the hormone that ends the hair follicles' growth phase. In other words, your hair that should be falling out naturally is going to stick around for a lot longer than it should, and when you stop using the products, you're going to shed like a cat. Your hair will probably fall out in clumps, like I said.

Lastly, another crazy breakthough that I do admit I can't wait to spend money on. Smashbox O-GLOW, already sold out on the Sephora website. It's likely the scariest thing of all, because it makes you blush for hours at a time, creating a "micro-circulatory effect". I'm fairly certain that's not healthy. Pretty sure there's going to be some broken blood vessels in my future.

So there you have it. This is what all the great minds of our time have been up to. Pretty much making celebrities even more famous and competitive, and sending the masses into a money-spending frenzy. We won't have the cure for the common cold anytime soon, but the next time Jessica Simpson or someone else equally rich and famous has a cold, their makeup will be so technologically perfect, they'll look even more radiant and beautiful than they do when they're healthy. Oh joy.